Life's A Picnic

Jan, Feb, March 08

Good day to you.

If you know anyone who needs someone very reliable, good fun and trustworthy to look after their children between the above months, do let them know, that I'm available.

I'm looking for temp work, well paid and will travel anywhere in the country. Jobs that involve help taking the children skiing are of course welcome too!

I'm great at mucking in, great with the kids and as well as strict (in a good way) and easy going. I have been known to look after 5 children and the dog, take them all to football, drive them to Paris, feed them etc etc..all while Mum and Dad are out of the country. Not much flaws me.

So pass this on to your friends, who you think may want a break and can afford me. Or let them pass this to their friends friends. I have lots of references and customers from The Picnic Boat who can vouch for me.

Excuse me while I get in some key words here. Temp nanny, British Nanny, Norland Nanny, Childcare, ski nannies.

Finally, if you let me bring my dog too, I will reduce my rate.

Over and out!

It's The Animal Protection League Calling...

Let me set the scene. January this year, I was sat at my desk, being intermittently distracted from accounts to a dating website, when the phone rings and I put on my telephone voice to say, '' Hello, Liz speaking.''

The chap on the other end of the line was making an enquiry for The Picnic Boat.He was interested in booking a trip as a present from 'The Animal Protection Society' for two of it's oldest members. I talked about the various trips on offer and he started asking me how easy would it be for me to get them on board; did the deck have a good non slip surface and also was there a toilet on board. I answered all these questions and as he was implying they were both quite old, I asked what sort of age. To which he responded both one hundred! A little unusual I thought, but carried on, suggesting he consisted a shorter trip for them, so they wouldn't need the loo and so on.

He liked the look of The Lobster Lunch and decided that was what he was most keen on for them, but before he booked he wanted to ask me a few questions regarding the source of the fish. Fine I said.How are the lobsters caught he asked. I replied telling him by a fisherman with a lobster pot.How were they cooked? In a pan of boiling water I said and not by me, by the fisherman. He started to go on about animal welfare and at this point I was thinking, Ok, I've had enough of this now. Is this guy a bit of a pain? So I asked him how would his Animal Protection Society suggest the lobsters are caught and cooked for future reference. He replied that it would be ideal to pick out the older lobster and to cook them in overly salted water which would be more like their natural enviroment. Oh my God I thought! Ok then, so I said could I take his name and details.

''It's Chris,'' he said.

''Chris,'' he added with his surname. Up on the screen I had the details up of a guy with the same name on the dating site that I had been emailing for a couple of weeks. I looked at his picture. I held my hand over the phone's mouth piece and burst out laughing. Could this be the same guy doing a massive wind up on me? I had to think in a flash. What if it were genuine and I replied words to the effect of, ''You ....tard!'' This wouldn't be good if the call was a coincidence and a real enquiry would it?! So, I carried on. ''Can i take your address sir? Your phone number?'' He gave me these and then said.

''No, Lizzie. You haven't got it, have you? It's Chris.''

Of course, then I did reply, ''You absolute bloody b......d!!''

And this, was the first time we had ever spoken.